witchcraft in the woods or mormon church bonfire party OR BOTH? i’ll let you decide.
madison, and it is all i have been looking for. i haven’t felt this at home since the northwest. months of confusion and anxiety are finally beginning to settle into peaceful rhythms, purpose, slowness.
i feel like sometimes my existence baffles a lot of kinds of people, the kinds of people who are super productive and driven and juggling maybe several kids and/or a career, who ask things like “…so what do you do all day?”
and i do get it. my existence is as foreign to them as theirs is to me. but my purpose comes, rushes in with force, in these quiet moments in between. i thrive in the in-between. if there is one thing i have loved about my twenties, especially these last two years, it has been learning to own and accept my truths, my preferences, myself. and the more i do that, the less threatened i have to be by comparison, by differences in expectation and execution between humans. we’re not all living the same life, and the standards are allowed to be vastly different. the more i allow myself to be whatever i am, to not be whatever i am not, the more room i find in myself to allow others that same space to be, in their own universe of priorities and values.
…honestly i just intended to post some pictures of our afternoon walk and my cute kid and cat, but i derailed myself. so anyway.
last summer, on my birthday weekend, in the rain and the green of sturgeon bay. i needed it then and the experience still feeds my soul now. this year i hope i will escape to the green and the wild more than once. so I can stop being like “I went to Door County once and now my whole life is about it.” ha.
as a side note, this was my first attempt to match digital photos to film taken at the same time. I used VSCO pack 02 as a starting point (the only preset pack I ever got, back in my baby days of photography) and it only took a few tweaks to get it close enough to go well with film, and have some of that moody richness. Which is exciting, because I’ve been wanting to incorporate more film into all my shoots/endeavors and now I’m encouraged.
Anyway. Trees! Are what it’s all about.
digital and film. film was kodak portra 400 and ilford delta 3200, shot on canon ae-1 program.
it is enough to know how good things are. you don’t always have to feel it.
you’d like to, but you sometimes just can’t. mostly at night. learn to live with that.
learn to live with dissonance. learn that who you feel you should be and who you are and who you thought you would be at this point don’t match up. enjoy the distortion. or try not to think too much. or try not to cry.
fantasize about going to a therapist who will say broad, enlightening things that will expand the room above you until there’s air to breathe and you’re as beautiful and inspired as you hoped you might secretly be. remember how you quit your last therapist after the first session because it gave you too much anxiety.
fantasize about being middle aged. having a teenager instead of a toddler. don’t say that out loud because parents of teenagers will want to punch your face. don’t worry, you want to punch your own face a lot too.
laugh. let things happen. let go of plans. let the process of home buying take a freaking year. let too much tv watching happen, for a season. start to think of everything as “for a season,” because it’s better than the big-picture-applying you tend to do of every bad feeling to the rest of your magnificent life.
tape a huge piece of paper to the coffee table and teach your son the joys of painting. be very very proud of yourself when the carpets and doors and walls are clean at the end of it. be very very proud of your son for his art. and his ball throwing. and his learning to say banana (“nana.”) your son is very very talented.
look around and want to cry at how good things are. have a moment of clarity. think about the tragedies all around you and hold on tight to this perfect nucleus of love.
stop feeling guilty for now. let yourself think you might be okay. you might be great.
know that you are enough.